Marriage, Mayhem, and Madcap!
by Hatter and Hare Productions
Summary: Princess Anna and Kristoff finally have their wedding! They invite everyone, including everyone's favorite baddies the Disney Villains! Sadly, some people should never be invited to royal parties...


"Ah, the wedding of the century!" Hook exclaimed, walking forth into the ball with hands raised, breathing in all the finery of the court.

"More like the first wedding we've been allowed back into since the _Dress Incident. _But at least that one came with a view of Princess Aurora's _perfect_ form" Jafar replied, dusting off his robe with a contemptuous sweep of his hand. "I think all this glitter is a little obnoxious."

"It's Princess Anna's wedding, what more do you expect?" answered the captain, strolling over to the banquet and pouring himself a glass of wine. "Anyway, enjoy it! This might be more fun than you think!"

"Would be more fun if Maleficent was here," Jafar replied, before sighing and joining Hook over at the banquet pouring himself a glass with thin hands. Hook merely rolled his eyes.

"Bah! Me thinks you think of her too much! Women ruin the mood of any party!"

"Says the life-long bachelor," Ursula shot out as she slithered past the two gentlemen.

Hook growled, his face red before shouting at her back. "I think I saw your mother at last night's dinner! She was the entrée!" With a frustrated wave of his hand, he turned to find Jafar stifling a laugh with his hand. "What!?"

Jafar finally laughed. "You two are always at it! Just admit you were meant to be and get a room!"

"Only when I see you and Mal keep a steady relationship for a year without a single break-up. You two are the gossip column's favorite topic!"

Jafar rolled his eyes. "That and Tiana's widening hips."

"That good southern food will do it to ya." said a silky smooth voice stepping up to them.

"Ah, Doctor Facilier!" Hook exclaimed. "Surprised to see you make it out here! All we need is Frollo and the regulars are all present!"

"Mister Stuck-up is out kissing up to Ma Gothel as we speak," the witch doctor noted pointing a thumb over his shoulder.

"Good." Jafar spat." So long as she doesn't taste ass when they kiss, it should go well for both of them."

"My, my. Always grouchy there, Jaffy-Taffy?" Facilier teased, pouring himself a glass of wine also. "You are the party pooper's patron saint."

"And that, my friends, is the first and last time Jafar will ever be called a saint." Hook said. "But, alas, the party nears! Take your seats, or we'll be left waiting in the streets."

"This party is packin', there ain't no time for snackin'!" Facilier replied back.

"Or boozing, but that didn't stop you two from, to the wine, cruising." Jafar noted.

"Behold, he holds drink! He is hypocrite, me thinks!" Hook countered, getting only a frustrated scowl from Jafar. Their rhyme fest over, the trio made their way to the seats.

The spectacular event in question shimmered with life, the finest Arendelle had to offer. Obviously, the new queen was joyful for her sister, and the love was shown in green tapestry, pink banners, flowers galore, and - of course – chocolates from the most masterful hands. It was obvious that Kristoff had given this day over to Anna in design, for there was not a single ice-sculpture to be had. Unless you included Olaf, who was making the rounds chatting and talking the day away. The villains made an extra-special effort to avoid his unfailing cheery disposition.

Seats taken, the sun shining through the midday sky, the bright hall sat in silent reverence. Everything was made perfect, from the tip of the cake to the red carpet on the ground.

The music took up, and Frollo managed to slide in just in time to take his seat in the back row with his friends.

Facilier looked over and grinned smugly. "You missed a spot on yo' neck."

Frollo glanced daggers at him as he wiped the lipstick from his neck.

"Cease yapping!" Hook whispered. "Here is the groom and his best..._reindeer_."

"If Sven takes a crap in the middle of the wedding I'm going to **die**." Jafar jested.

As the music started, all the players took their places. Kristoff and Sven, the first worried but happy and the second proud as a peacock, next to the altar. The priest was center stage. Off as maid of honor stood Elsa, her ice gown replaced with a dark green attire.

"I miss the ice dress she had." Facilier whispered under his breath.

"No, you just miss sight of that leg." Jafar noted.

Hook growled again. "The next person who talks gets me hook, clear?"

And thus, with a thunderous roar from the piano, the bride entered – beaming from ear to ear at the best day of her life.

"She looks so happy," Frollo said with a thin smile. "I'm glad Hans wasn't invited, or he would be steaming right now."

And then -

_"Attackers!"_

From the sky, out from the windows blocking the sun like a murder of crows came bandits and muggers and thieves of all sorts, landing upon the crowd with sword and daggers drawn. Anna screamed, Elsa gasped, Kristoff panicked, and Olaf waved hello.

Sweeping into the company, they attacked and overcame the guards in a matter of seconds, before charging at their targets for the day – the to-be couple.

The first to react was Elsa, who went to work summoning walls of ice. A club came down upon her head from behind, however, and she was out before a second move. Heroes drew their swords, people fled the congested halls, and villains made a dash for the banquet before it could be smashed to pieces in the fighting.

"Swords drawn lads!" Hook cried, producing his blade. "Arendelle needs our help!"

"What?!" Jafar cried. "Why should I-"

"Well, it's fight now and get rewarded later with money or run and get nothing." Facilier noted, drawing a machete and conjuring a fireball in his free hand before running off into the fray, Frollo close behind him.

Jafar looked around to see his pew abandoned and him alone in the midst of the fighting.

"Well, there goes another royal event!" he growled,before standing up and drawing his staff forth.

The packed-chapel was a mess from the start. Sword-fighting in close quarters, magic being slung left and right, and arrows flying over the heads of the crowds. The innocent were caught in the cross-fire, the despoilers at the advantage.

Hook went in like a cannonball, clearing the way, taking a sword from a fallen guard and tossing it to Kristoff. "Think fast, northman! We have to escape this dreadful day!"

Sven and Kristoff nodded, charging into the mass to where Anna was, trapped like a bird in the masses. An arrow came flying to her, barely missing it's mark and swerving past her.

"Kristoff!" she cried, running to him.

Two bandits leaped in the way of her, and she stood back in terror.

"Here you go, darlin'!" Facilier cried, leaping to her side and kicking one of them down before tossing his blade to her, with which she dispatched the other bandit.

"Thanks, Facilier!" she said, before jumping over the fallen bodies and to her true love's side.

On the sides, Frollo and Jafar charged to save the queen, but were hindered by a squad of fighters.

"We have to reach her before the heroes do, or we won't be called the heroes of the day!" Jafar said between ducking and dodging blades. To only add to his point, it seemed that – alas - Mulan and Merida (the power houses of princesses!) were gaining ground on them, one with the sword and the other with her trusty bow.

"Why is it always personal gain with you!?" Frollo exclaimed, before a spark hit him. "Leap on the pews!" he cried, jumping up and stepping over them as quickly as he could.

'Wait, what!?" Jafar cried, before realizing he was now alone in the battle. With a cry of _"Allah darn it!" _he leaped up too and followed Frollo suit, ducking and dodging blade after blade with arrows inbetween.

"Oi!" Merida cried. "What are you two doin'!?"

"What, you don't want us to help!?" Frollo shot back.

"He has a point," Mulan noted.

"Yeah, it's his long nose!" Merida remarked.

"Ha! Did you hear what the Highlander just said about you, Frollo?" Jafar shot up to Frollo.

**"Just shut-up and move!"**

Leaping off the pews, Frollo charged to the queen's fallen side, taking on foe after foe with his mighty sword. "A little assistance here, Jafar!"

"I'm working on it!" Conjuring a fireball in his hand, he set forth a wave of flame to Frollo's side, burning and casting down the rogue before them.

"We need proof we made it first!" Jafar remarked, realizing _for once_ they had done something worthy of praise.

Frollo gave him a curious glance. "Like what?"

"Quick, before Merida and Mulan make it over here, take a selfie!" Jafar screamed.

And, thus, The Official Disney Villains Facebook Page would forever have a picture of Jafar and Frollo's faces with Elsa's fallen body in the background as proof that – yes – **they** got there _first_.

On the other end of the hall Kristoff, Anna, Hook and Facilier charged out of the front door, Sven personally knocking the doors open with a thunderous crash.

"Go, your majesty! Go! And may the marriage be a long and happy one!"

"Thanks guys!" Anna cried over her shoulder, while Kristoff hurried her into the limousine – sending his own hesitant thanks back to them.

"Well, that went well." Hook remarked. "We did something nice for a change, **and** it went off practically perfect in every way!"

"Except," Facilier noted, "for the fact we are surrounded by bandits."

"Well..." Hook said, eyeing all the swords that were at his throat. "If it as easy, anyone would do it."

* * *

><p>"Wow! That was close!" Anna exclaimed, breathing hard.<p>

"Yeah..." Kristoff sighed, glad to be out of that mess – even if his wedding was ruined.

"Well, I wouldn't call it close," came the smug remark of the driver.

The couple's head swiveled over to see the dreaded (and remarkably handsome) Hans driving their limousine. They also realized that their view was partly obstructed by an iron cage, preventing them from laying a single hand on the driver.

"Oh!" Hans also added. "I wouldn't try to escape. The glass is bullet-proof, the cage is reinforced steel, and the doors have the child-locks on."

And then Anna and Kristoff realized just why those bandits had attacked their wedding in the first place.

Anna gasped. "Oh, shi-."

"You might as well say you're married," Hans laughed wickedly. "Because this is going to be one _Hell_ of a honeymoon!"

* * *

><p>Read my earlier fanfic "Make It Wrong" to understand the reference. If you enjoyed this one, trust me you should enjoy that one!<p>

Disclaimer – I own none of the characters or settings in this here work of pure fan fiction.


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